TO DO – Sunday, April 8

Call TheRealReal and ask for printable FedEx label

Go to FedEx – why did they return that box?

Gym

Jo-Ann Fabrics – little wood people, man and woman*

Iron?

Make homemade floor cleaner – where is that spray bottle????

Take Jimmy and Pete to the dump

*Coupon

Is This Bad?

I just added vodka to a ginger-lemon Kombucha drink and tossed in some liquid supplement for joint health. Is this bad?

I told a young guy working at my gym that the elliptical machines weren’t working right and I was dissatisfied. My exact words were, “I don’t pay $78 a month to have shit not work right.” Is this bad?

I lied to my doctor about quitting smoking. This is bad, right?

I took a broken piece of a Boxwood bush in the Target parking lot to make a wreath for my door. Is this bad?

I told my kids that it was illegal to get a dog in the state of NJ until your children were both over six years old, when they were 5 and 3. Was this bad?

I also told the children that the state of Connecticut was closed on Tuesdays when they asked if we could drive to Connecticut on a Tuesday. Was this bad?

I asked a friend to return the DSW Shoes coupon I gave her a week ago because I realized I needed new sneakers. She looked at me like that was bad. Was it?

I wore a jacket covered with pet hair to the gym. Is this bad?

I returned a gold necklace given to me by a an ex-boyfriend because it said, in Gaelic, “pulse of my heart” and I was no longer the pulse of his heart. I told him that the jeweler would give him cash for the gold. Was this bad? Maybe just stupid? But not bad?

I didn’t answer an Amazon customer’s question about something I’d bought on the site even though I knew the answer. Is this bad?

I let my daughter’s cat run out the front door in hopes that he wouldn’t come back (qualifier – she left me with the cat and the cat had almost blinded my new dog with a swipe, in addition to peeing all over my suede boot collection). Is this bad?

Random Acts of Oddity

I just vacuumed myself. Or, more clearly, I vacuumed a jacket I was wearing to get all the cat and dog hair off of it. I wasn’t particularly bothered by the animal hair but I wore the jacket to the gym yesterday and ran into someone I know who made a big fuss about my hairy outerwear. I kept thinking, “Hello. I’m at the gym, not Prince Harry and Megan Markle’s wedding.” But she went on about it, clearly not recognizing the “I don’t give a shit” expression on my face. She recommended a lint brush. I’m 60 years old and sweep up enough animal hair in a week to make a realistic cat replica (hey, that would be a good idea or the garden. A scarecat) and I don’t know about this modern invention called a lint brush????????? But, I decided that it may be best to clean up my act in case someone I really want to talk to has an allergy to cats. So, I put on the jacket, took off the brush of the vacuum tube and ‘hosed’ myself. It didn’t work that well so I’m moving on to the return label I got from Jo-Ann Fabrics. Peel off that backing and you’ve got one hell of a fuzz magnet.

Things I Wonder About

Why does brown seem like the more natural, healthier choice for things that come in both white and brown, like eggs and coffee filters?

Is it at all painful for a chicken to lay an egg, either a brown one (if it’s a brown chicken) or if it’s a white one (if it’s a white chicken)?

How come I never saw a brown chicken?

Do white chickens discriminate against brown chickens?

Do white farmers take better care of white eggs than brown ones? This would assume that the white farmer is subtly or not-so-subtly racist. What would happen if the racist farmer got a much higher price for those brown eggs?

Why are the elliptical machines at my gym, that are all the same, slightly different when they give you the calorie count or WATTS for the same activity? I always choose the one that gives me the highest calorie count.

What is a WATT on the elliptical machine?

If we hooked up a lightbulb to the elliptical machine would it light up and then dim when you slow down? Would the brightening of the lightbulb be an incentive to work harder?

If the WATTS could power a lightbulb could they power a fan? I’d definitely speed up to get a fan going on me even though the increased speed would create more heat that the fan wouldn’t necessarily counteract. But, I’d be fooled into thinking it did.

Is there life after death? What does it look like? Do we just get to. go do whatever it is we loved doing while in bones and skin? Can we say whatever we want without concern about being tossed out of the Afterlife? Do we get to do all the things we were afraid to do in life life? Like skydiving? Or being a stand-up comedian?

If we have a heart attack and die a few days after we finally found out what we really wanted to do for work is our last thought super angry? Or are we so happy that we are cool with whatever happens next?

Why do dogs like to lick your face as a sign of affection? Is it equivalent to kissing a person you feel affection for? If it is doggie kissing why do they like to lick up your nose? Would humans lick up each other’s noses when they love someone if the other human wouldn’t flip out about it?

How do they make those candles that are called “Clean Cotton” or “Beachwalk”? They really do smell like clean laundry and the beach.

 

Weird Things I Like To Do

When I go to Home Depot I like to grab those paint sample cards, the long ones with the Home Depot brand of paint, Behr. I use them for my “To Do” list and my Target list. It’s so nice to see “wash the dogs’ butts” on Whitened Sage. Or  “Dr. Scholl’s Plantar Wart Pads”   on Violetta.

I like to save my needleless tabletop Christmas tree and put it outside in the garden with the big lint blobs that come from my dryer vent after washing towels and rugs. I think that birds will like the nice dryer lint for making nests in the spring. They never do take the lint but I feel happy when I look out at a bleak winter landscape with my little tree beckoning wildlife to stop by.

I like to sweep up the needles from the aforementioned tree and put them in the drawstring bag that comes with new flannel sheets to make an evergreen-scented pillow pal.

I like to wear athletic socks in the shower so I can come out and clean my hardwood floors with my feet while dancing to Bruce Springsteen on the iPad.  No, I’m not naked when I do it. I’m wearing a robe and a turban for my wet hair. I catch a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror sometimes and I’m appalled. But, I keep going until Bruce stops strumming.

I like to get a 24 oz. coffee at WaWa and fill half the cup with a flavored creamer so that I can stretch the coffee out over days by putting some in my dull 1/2 caff coffee from the Mr. Coffee machine. Saves on creamer too.

I like to sweep my floors rather than vacuum them because it gives me a sense of accomplishment to see all the dust, cat hair, dog hair, pieces of errant styrofoam, deceased Stink Bugs, and some unidentifiable crap in my dust pan. The big thrill is when I dump the whole mess in the trash can. A vacuum cleaner is a lot easier but doing it by hand is more satisfying.

I like to iron in complete quiet so I can kind of meditate while doing it. I also like the smell of spray starch on cotton when the iron hits the fabric. You don’t notice that if the radio or TV are on.

I like to look at almost anything I’m about to throw away (except the deceased Stink Bugs) to see if I could use it to make something/anything out of it in the future. A lot of the things I saved – like those plastic sticks that come in a flower arrangement to hold the card – have come in handy. I think of it as recycling. My kids think of it as a mental illness.

 

 

 

 

Why Are People So Dumb? Why Can’t They Be Smart Like Me?

I know that I should be open-minded and consider other people’s views and opinions. But I just don’t wan to sometimes. Sometimes I think that I’m smarter than some other people and this is probably true. I’m sure that I’m not as smart as other people too. Those are people I’m interested in hearing from, in any way. I want to hear from smart people, I want to ask smart people questions and I want smart people to speak up. I’m not saying that there aren’t smart people. But, let’s be realistic, there are a lot of dumb people in America too. They get news from Facebook, believe everything Wikipedia says and think that a military gun will protect them if “THEY” come for them. They think Taylor Swift is deep and poetic. They think that people educated by good school, i.e. Ivy League colleges, are dumb. They think that capitalizing a word gives it more Importance. They think the people at MSNBC and Fox News are impartial and most concerned with being good journalists who disseminate the truth. They think that North Korea is really going to de-nuclearize. They think that the United States military leaders are interested in making people in other countries, with different governments, free and happy. They think that Amazon.com is a horrible entity that is putting Toys R Us out of business. They think that coal mining is a great occupation and should be saved. They don’t believe in Global Warming, man-made or otherwise. They think that ‘light’ cigarettes won’t kill them just as fast as regular cigarettes. They think that Google and Facebook provide their services for free. They don’t believe the saying “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” They think that people who cry in public, or are otherwise vulnerable, are weak. They think that people die and go to Heaven to play golf, sunbathe, pet puppies or do whatever it is that they did when they were alive that brought them pleasure. They think Vin Diesel is a good actor. Ditto on Mary Kate and Ashley Olson.

To Do – Monday, March 26th

OMG! Got my To Do list for today done. Even got something NOT on the list done. I am celebrating!

Drop off warm clothing to homeless shelter in Camden

Return obsolete components to Comcast

Mail NJ State tax payment at Post Office

Drop books off to Abandoned Luncheonette for resale

The extras were:

get gas

buy a summery beer

Okay, I admit, there was something on the original list that I couldn’t get done due to no fault of my own. That was “take car to Ron’s Auto Body for estimate on bumper repair.” Ron wasn’t in today so there could be no estimate. This freed up time to get gas and beer.