AI is Smarter Than I Am

I wrote a blog post about how I send myself gift messages when I order things online.

It wasn’t a very good post but I hit ‘publish’ anyway because I’m not selling anything so what do I care? Right?

But, it didn’t appear in “Posts” on my dashboard and I couldn’t find it anywhere. Why? Because AI said, “This is a waste of space.” And, you know what, AI, you’re right. It was dumb.

Besides, I’m going to sneak it in here.

If you order from a website that offers a free gift card, take it! Send yourself a positive, supportive message in that card. Say “You are going to look great in this,” or “You sooooo deserve this, Girlfriend.” You’ll probably be surprised to open your package and find a note. The note will make you feel good. You’ll forget that you are the one who composed the note. You’ll smile.

The world is a tough place. People won’t often shout compliments at you. So, take the chance to get a compliment. Write it, read it, believe it.

Be fond of yourself. And be happy.

An Addict is An Addict is An Addict

My name is Marci (yeah, Nonjudgmental Group, I said “Marci”  ending in a cute little ‘i’ that, if possible in Word, would have a tiny bubble heart over it instead of a plain, old dot, not Marcianne) and I’m an addict.

On Friday I bought a pack of cigarettes and two 24 oz. $1 cups of hazelnut coffee at WaWa. I took a lot of fake Equal packets home for free. I smoked a lot of the cigarettes because I was a) drinking coffee b) writing long, wordy emails to friends who probably don’t even read to the end c) posting interesting articles, with a not-so-subtle plug for stocks I own and/or a dig at people who fired me and d) writing and re-writing my To Do list for the day even though I was getting none of those things done because I was busy editing the list.

On Saturday I bought a 24 oz. $1  hazelnut/decaf mixed coffee at WaWa and mindfully skipped the cigarette cashier. Thinking that decaf coffee might lead to less tobacco craving. Took a lot of fake Equal packets for free.

On Sunday I hid upstairs in the cat’s room to smoke out the open window (yeah, it was raining all over the floor next to the window) so my significant other didn’t see me smoking with my leftover WaWa coffee (hey, you’d get the max size cup too if it was only $1).

On Monday morning at 4:00 a.m. I was thrilled to find that my cigarette pack from Friday still had a smoke in it. And then I was thrilled to find that the cigarettes I’d ‘hidden’ upstairs and down were still there.

On Monday at 8:30 (after being up since 4:00 a.m. because I was coughing so hard it woke me up) I was despondent to find that there were not more secret cigarette stashes. “Why didn’t I put one in the egg carton?????,”  I screamed inside my head. Was drinking my own, Mr. Coffee coffee fully caffeinated and full of free fake Equal.

On Monday at 8:40 I picked some good-looking, i.e. 1/8 unsmoked) cigarette butts out of the trash and chain-smoked them. Even the one that touched my SO’s used Kleenex.

By the way, Nonjudgemental Group, I started writing again. And I need a fuckin’ cigarette to write.

The Donald and Madonna

No, this isn’t a story of a torrid affair between two marketing geniuses with questionable decency and unquestionable swagger. Nor is it a story about of a man with no empathy, no compassion and no ethics and a Biblical hero of dignity, humility and grace.

This is about my theory: Donald J. Trump is the Madonna Louise Ciccone of politics.

I have said this to a few people who instantly understand my analogy but I’m going to elaborate on my thesis-supporting ‘facts’ and also point out a few differences between these two

Donald and Madonna are both immodest.  Donny is boastful and shameless. Madge is subtler in her pompousness but she is definitely shameless.  They are both  pretentious. And, to hearken way, way back to my school playground days, they are both conceited.

Mr. Trump and Ms. Ciccone are both licentious. lewd, and lascivious.

They are both setting a bad example for their children.

They both love being outrageous and making waves. It’s part of their marketing strategy.

They both have some crazy hair.

But they differ in three important ways:

Madonna has sold-out shows and people are paying to be there

Madonna is qualified for her job

Madonna has bigger hands



More Random Shit

I was working on a personalized snow globe for my veterinarian. I was using SuperGlue to attach some buttons that looked like different dog breeds to the base of my mini-sculpture of the vet, the tech and my two dogs (the patients). The SuperGlue was liquid and I made the mistake of touching it ever so slightly.

Bam. Two fingers Superglued to the base. I could still make the Vulcan peace sign but that was the only redeeming thing about this. It was my left hand and I’m right-handed so I managed to free myself wth some paint thinner. Paint thinner really smells bad but it doesn’t destroy human tissue. Thank God for small favors.

Once my left hand was free and mobile I used steel wool to scratch off the glue. I wasn’t 100% successful but it was good enough. I looked at my hand and wondered whether I could become a jewel thief because I had no discernible fingerprints. I dismissed the idea after about 5 minutes. I had laundry to do and becoming a jewel thief was too time consuming.

The Story of Jimmy & Pete – Chapter 4

When last we saw our Doxy/Chihuahua couple they were heading to South Carolina on paw.

It was an arduous journey with some wonderful adventures and some harrowing occurrences. Let’s just leave it at that. This is a G-rated story, after all. Ixnay on the scary stuff.

Let’s jump to South Carolina.

Doxy and Chi arrived at The Palmetto State a little thinner, a little wiser and a little desperate.

The only dogs they met in South Caroline were homeless and despondent. So they searched for a good human who might help them.

Sadly, the first humans they encountered were not good ones. They were ruthless puppy sellers and looked at Mr. and Mrs. with slavering delight. “Wow, how cute will their offspring will be,” thought the humans. Tiny dogs with a medium nose and medium legs. That’s what the humans saw in Chi and Doxy.

So, the bad humans spoke sweetly to the young couple and offered them wet dog food. Hungry, tired and far from home, our little heroes fell for it, hook, line and sinker (sorry for the fish metaphor in the middle of a dog story). They happily followed the bad humans to their house.

But, instead of a warm bed and steady meals, they found themselves in a dark, wooden crate that smelled of other days and other dogs. Chi and Dox were bereft, but not as hungry as they’d been on the trip. “At least we have some kibble and each other,” they said in unison. And, as they took comfort in food, each other and their great love, they made love.

Fast forward a number of months (I should know the gestation period of Dachshunds but I don’t. Deal with it).  Doxy and Chi had been moved to nice quarters when the bad humans discovered that Dox was pregnant. They got to stay in the house and had a warm room off of the kitchen. They finally got the promised wet dog food  and were let outside to romp for a couple of hours every day. Their biggest problem was holding their small bladders in check until they were allowed out in the yard. Both Chi and Dox were fastidious in their habits. They were not going to pee or poop in their living space, especially with children on the way. Yes, they both understood that they’d soon welcome the children they had planned on when first they fell in love.

Fast forward again (yeah, I still don’t know the gestation period of Dachshunds) and the happy day arrived for Chi and Dox. It was May 1, 2015 and the weather was warm and sunny in North Carolina. Dox woke up with cramps. She didn’t even know what cramps were but she sensed that something momentous was about to happen. She woke Chi up with a nudge of her long nose. Chi popped up, took one look at his beautiful wife and started barking frantically. When the humans didn’t appear Chi began pawing at the gate that separated Dox and his living quarters from the kitchen. His barking jumped up an octave or two and became thoroughly annoying. Doxy was pissed off. She was not feeling great and her lunatic husband was rapidly approaching a meltdown. Finally, the human woman appeared and Chi ran to Doxy’s side. Doxy was whimpering quietly so Chi tried to kiss her. That really pissed her off. She nearly bit his nose off. Chi stepped back. The human lady stepped in. She had grabbed a wet washcloth and a whole lot of paper towels. She turned Doxy on her side while saying nice things in a soft voice. Chi felt a little left out but after another minute he was more than happy to be dogsona non grata.

Like magic, two little puppies popped out of Doxy. They looked a lot alike. Both really small, both really brown and both had a little white triangle on their heads. They were adorable. And totally helpless.

Human Lady wiped them off with the wet washcloth and cleaned Doxy up. Chi was covering his eyes with his paws and only looked when he heard his wife murmuring softly. He approached her affectionately and she responded positively. They both looked at the two new creatures they had created from love and glowed with joy.


Random Shit

I had to go to the DMV today to renew my driver’s license because I turned 60 this year and the photo on my existing driver’s license is 10+ years old. Thanks a lot, DMV. I can see that 10 years has taken its toll on my face and I was somewhat unaware of that before today. Yeah, thanks DMV, you miserable bastards.

Actually, the people at the Westampton DMV office were great. They were efficient and things moved quickly. We even had some laughs, even though I couldn’t laugh in my photo. I was permitted a ‘small smile.’ I smirked. It’s not a good look but I did what I could with it. I was hoping I’d look kind of like Mona Lisa or a porn star. Didn’t happen. Instead I look like a 60 year old woman in need of a haircut. And a chin lift.



Random Stuff

I reached into my little bowl of Bobby pins (who is Bobby, by the way?) to get something that would poof up the crown of my hair so I didn’t have ‘flat head,’ leading to ‘big nose.’ I found two tiny clips and positioned them at the back of head. They didn’t do much for the poof so I took them out. When I looked at them more closely I realized that they are either a) hair clips for a baby or b) the little clips that come with small Orchids to hold the stems up once the flowers bloom. Yes, I’ve had a lot of dead Orchids in my life and yes, I never throw anything away.

The Story of Jimmy & Pete – Chapter 3

After the wedding celebration the newlywed Doxy and Chi settled into a nice life on the lam. They often returned to their spiritual advisor and handout guy at the town dump but living there permanently was not something they wanted to do. It was crowded there and the many smells worth investigating were a distraction. Dox and Chi wanted to be alone together and to focus on their marriage.

They soon learned that being different breeds was exciting and romantic but also presented some challenges.

They couldn’t run at the same pace because their legs were so different in length. Chi was always getting ahead of Dox and this really pissed her off. Chi eventually learned to jog instead of run when he and Dox were out and about.

Doxy may have had short (and gorgeous) legs but she had a long nose. This made kissing difficult for Chi so he often avoided full-on kisses, opting for little butterly kisses on Doxy’s cheek or even nibbling on his wife’s floppy ears. This really pissed her off. Eventually, Chi learned to lean in at just the right angle to kiss Doxy on her lips. And he never nibbled again. Even when Dox wound up with some wet food on the ends of her pretty little ears.

Doxy always barked ferociously when she sensed danger but she never bit. She didn’t believe in physical violence of any sort, even if a fly was buzzing her because of those tasty ears. But Chi barked AND bit when he saw a threat. He had even bitten a nice kid who approached him to give him some of his Hint-of-Lime Doritos. Fortunately, the little boy wasn’t badly hurt because he was wearing his skateboarding safety gear (Yeah, this kid could eat Hint-of-Lime Doritos while skateboarding!). When Chi bit the nice kid Doxy was really pissed off. Eventually, Chi learned to keep his mouth shut, except for the savage bark that did give most creatures pause. Except maybe those flies.

Religious dilemmas hounded Chi an Doxy too. Dox was a Lutheran and Chi was a Roman Catholic. Chi would always be quoting the Pope and mentioning the padre’s infallibility afterward. This really pissed Dox off. Eventually, Chi learned to mention the Pope’s latest Encyclical and ask Doxy what she thought of the new “letter of suggestion,” as he called it.

Chi really loved Doxy. And Doxy really loved Chi. They worked hard to overcome the issues in a mixed marriage. And it wasn’t just the canine husband and wife who had ‘issues’ with their differences. There were a surprising number of dogists in both the animal and human world who didn’t approve of the young couple. Dox and Chi sometimes found a good neighborhood and space to live but were forced to move on because of other dogs’ prejudices. It’s hard to feel comfortable in a spot where AKC Standard Poodles stood on fire hydrants railing about the danger of “diluting” pure bred dog breeds. Or where owners of pure bred Shitzus shunned you and refused to help you out with a few scraps of Boar’s Head baloney. And the cats, my God, the cats. They were the worst. Barn Cats with no pedigree would toss murdered Blue Jays in front of Mr. and Mrs. Chihuahua. The message was clear.: “Move on or wind up like Bernie Blue Jay here.”

Finally, the no-longer-naieve pups decided to make their way down South. Rumor had it that there were all sorts of mixed marriages and combo-puppies in South Carolina. So, Chi and Doxy packed their little knapsacks, attached them to some fine sticks and jogged/walked down Rt 95.



TO DO – Monday January 29

Wegman’s – detox soup ingredients, water bottles, Crusciki (sp?)

COSTCO – return TurboTax CDs, get gas, talk to pharmacist about brand Rxs


laundry with Zum clothes detergent

give Jimmy and Petey a bath – “puppy tears no more!”

Visit Miriam (calendar)

NJ DL ???????

Don’t forget PSE&G person coming to replace meter between 4 and midnight (midnight?????)